Sh!t My Trainer Says

PSA: Contains material that may not be suitable for younger readers.

So… LET ME CAVEAT! These quotes are a compilation of submissions from Instagram. They are NOT from MY trainer. Now that’s out of the way… I present to you the full, unedited list of sh!t (all of your) trainers say:

“You throw yourself at fences like a poor hooker throws herself at men!”

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“Get your chest off his neck, he’s not a stripper pole!”

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“If you don’t start listening to me I’m going to get you a shock collar.”

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“YOU LOOK LIKE A DYING CHICKEN! LOOK AT YOUR ARMS!”

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“I fear you may be severely retarted.”

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“TURN TIGHTER! TIGHT LIKE YOUR MOTHER!” (Rider went back to hunters shortly after)

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“What are you doing down there with your hands? Diddling?”

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“If you keep kicking like that you’re going to take flight!”

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“You’re hunched over like a gramma who’s knitting her cats sweaters.”

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“Close your legs you look like you’re giving birth to a nation!”

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“You can pull all you want, but you’re going to need that much leg times three.”

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“The answer to everything is leg. Wrong distance? Add leg. Horse bucking? Add leg. 2+2? Add leg.”

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“I know your mother tells you to keep your legs closed but I’m gonna need you to spread them like you’ve got Channing Tatum after you.”

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“Who are you waving to, the queen?”

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“Okay, now do it one more time.” *actually does it 8 more times*

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“Tipping is for restaurants not for riding!”

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“You look like you’re riding a motorcycle, shake those arms out!”

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“Stick your boobs out!”

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“Use the legs god gave you!”

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“Where are you going? On a shopping trip to Mexico?”

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“He’s only being good because I rode him five days ago.”

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“Oh yeah your right leg is useless.”

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“I’m shocked you made it around that course.”

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“You paid for the whole ring, so use it!”

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“How do you have your license? You can’t even steer a horse!”

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“Maybe you should take up golf.”

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“You are scary to watch right now.”

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“You’re lucky he loves you.”

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“You have to canter like you’re twerking, ya’ll look like you’re humping.”

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“You used to ride more like a turtle, now you look more like a banana, good work!”

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“Why do your hands look like t-rex arms?”

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“You’re so slow it’s like watching paint dry.”

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“Try harder to do better!”

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“I DON’T EVER WANT TO SEE THAT AGAIN!”

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“Is he being spooky or are you being spooky?”

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“You don’t ride well enough to be talking on your way to the jump… if you can apologize to your horse for chipping, you should have been able to make another choice!”

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“You don’t always ride good but you always look good!”

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“Please don’t die I don’t want a lawsuit on my hands.”

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“That was so ugly I just threw up in my mouth a little.”

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“Jumping is just flatting with shit in the way!”

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“Change your underwear and try again!”

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“Always keep your horse between you and the ground!”

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“If you don’t do the transition now you’re going to fall off a cliff! Oh my god you fell of a cliff and you’re dead!” (Yelling across warmup arena.)

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“You look like a monkey humping a football.”

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“Why do you only listen to me when I yell at you?”

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“Well it’s a good thing your horse can pick a distance.”

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“You have to be a little ballsy sometimes in the jump off.”

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“This is hunters, ass and tits out.”

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“Stop riding like you’re at your wedding!”

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“Stop perching, you look like a damn bird!”

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“Put those hoochie mama hands down!”

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“You are the captain of the hot mess express.”

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“Hips like a whore, poise like a queen.”

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“Control your pelvis Elvis.”

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“Keep your fingers closed before you break them.”

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“Stop being weird and handle yourself.”

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“Ride like you smoked a joint.”

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“Tits to Jesus.”

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3 thoughts on “Sh!t My Trainer Says

  1. These are great. I get the following:
    Tits and Teeth!
    Ride it like you stole it!
    Stop crawling up his neck like a monkey on a stick!
    He was very good to you there.
    That’s not him running off, that’s gravity and his fat ass.
    I said pat him once, not twice!

    Like

  2. This is AMAZING! I don’t even know which is my favorite — they’re all so good.

    No wait..”ride like you smoked a joint.” Takes the win

    Like

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